The General Strategy
Jacob has learnt a lot about cravings, habits, addiction and goats over the years. So much, in fact, that he will likely still be writing this blog ten years from now. For those that don't really want to read a decade’s worth of eccentric blog posts or who have come in halfway through and just want a quick catch up, he has put together a grossly oversimplified outline of his highly effective goat wrangling strategy.
1. Notice the goat.
The first step is just to start looking out for the goat. Certain foods, places, feelings and activities are going to set off the urge to overeat (i.e. the arrival of the goat). You need to figure out its favourite routines and food preferences. This can be tricky as goats tend to convince you that they are actually your favourite routines and food preferences. If you suspect the goat has pretty well taken over your life, a good trick is to say to yourself 'I would like to be someone who...' How ever that sentence ends is the real you. Sentences that start with 'I am someone who [followed by all the things you wish you didn't do]' pretty much sums up your goat.
2. Find the problem-free foods.
Next you need to figure out which foods don't cause uncontrollable cravings in the hours or days that follow eating them. Please note that there will be a goat there the whole time saying unhelpful things like, 'a block of cheese per day is perfectly fine because it has calcium in it.' A good rule of thumb is whether the food item will still be in your house after the goat has sent you on a feeding frenzy. Broccoli is a common example. It also counts if you never buy broccoli because you think it is hideous. If the goat hates something, it's most likely a problem-free food.
3. Don't quit anything.
You probably think the next step is to quit all the goat's favourite foods. It's not. Have you ever been on a diet? Nothing will provoke a goat-led hostile coup d'état faster than attempting to cut calories. The goat thinks getting you to eat a tub of ice cream every night is imperative to your survival. Complete deprivation will only turn it into a frantic, narcissistic toddler whose nagging, manipulation and temper tantrums won't stop until you have given in, acknowledged your many failings, and agreed to make up for the time spent eating salad. Although becoming aware of the goat for the first time may fill you with an overwhelming urge to purge it from your life, don't attempt it. It never works.
4. Plan the perfect meal.
Most people will have ignored the advice in step 3 and attempted an almighty life overhaul. Now that everyone is back and you have all agreed that purging the goat is an ineffective strategy, let's move onto step 4. The most delightful of all steps. This is where you get to spend countless hours just figuring out your perfect meal. Twenty-one of them, actually. If this was your last week on earth, what would be the twenty-one meals you eat? The catch is that these meals can only include the foods that don't result in your goat taking over control of your life, so you might have to do some creative work here. You'd be surprised how many wonderful things you can do with that hideous broccoli.
NB. Your goat is likely feeling disappointed about those last two sentences but keep reading. They like step 5.
5. Commence peace talks.
Step 5 is all about negotiating with the goat. This is the most complex step, and the one Jacob spends most of his time talking about in the blog. It is the area he has the most advice on because it is the area where he made the most mistakes. As everyone will. Goats are manipulative saboteurs and they will get the better of you a lot of the time. Which is fine. Jacob learnt everything he knows from the failures.
This step is really all about figuring out how to make incremental changes that stick while simultaneously not causing your goat a major meltdown. Learning to walk that fine line takes a lot of trial and error, and sometimes it's going to feel like you are losing. Quite often in fact. Your goat is going to respond to early negotiation attempts by telling you how badly you're doing and suggesting lots of valid reasons to quit. Ignore it. All you need to do is keep the end goal in mind and you'll come out in front.
6. Know where you're headed.
So, what is the end goal? You might be thinking weight loss, improved health, greater self-esteem, increased productivity, more money, and an end to binge eating. Sure, that stuff's important, but the goal that underlines all of it is taking back control of your life from the goat. Once you've done that, those other things will happen automatically and any future goal you set for yourself will feel achievable. Easy, in fact.
To be very clear, the end of the line is not expelling the goat completely from your life. That will never happen. Goats are a natural part of all of us and when they are no longer acting like totalitarian dictators, their presence will feel joyful and exciting. The key is to dial down the intensity and frequency of your goat's visits so that, when they do show up, it will be with a reasonable suggestion that you can both amicably agree on. It will also not require the consumption of 7,000 calories before they leave again. Everyone can have a lovely time, they will trot off happy, and you will be able to get on with being an enviably productive and radiantly healthy human.
7. Rebuild your base.
And how does one get to this wonderous place of radiant living? By rebuilding your base routine. That is, the routine you're inclined to do whenever there isn't something fun and exciting to do. Unless you have the good fortune to make your living as a social media influencer, that's likely to be most days. Goats love routines. Particularly easy ones. They will do their best to guide people into the laziest, most dopamine-filled routine possible and then make a fuss when you try to do something that requires a little more effort. At this point you've figured out your perfect meals and worked out how to negotiate with your goat. Now you can start slowly renovating your base routine so that it looks like the life you want to lead, instead of the one the goat has pre-programmed you into.
8. Repeat! Repeat! Repeat!
It bares pointing out that repetition is required. The more often you do the same thing (i.e. eat the same meal, follow the same routine), the more effectively it will override the old base routine your goat has you programmed into. It doesn't have to be every day. It won't be. Life and goats tend to get in the way. You just need to come back to it again and again. If you do it slowly and incrementally (i.e. focus on one micro-change at a time), you will start to notice, within a couple of days or weeks, that your goat is starting to urge you toward the new habits. Goats will never admit it, but the thing they love the most is just the thing they do the most. It makes them feel safe. They also have very short memories, so get them to go along with a small routine change for a couple of weeks and they will quickly forget about the old one.
NB. This probably sounds quite dull to most people but remember that this is just about setting a new base routine. Once you have done that, it will be much easier to do (and eat) all of the joyful, spontaneous and exciting things in life as you will no longer have the anxiety of things spiralling out of control. Instead of a piece of cake on your birthday turning into a three week junk food bender, your goat will actually steer you back to the sensible base routine that you've constructed.
9. Find your ‘yellow’ foods.
Now any binge eater that has gotten to this point is probably thinking, “That won't work for me. Saying yes to one square of chocolate will inevitably lead to the purchase and consumption of another four blocks by day's end.” That is a fair point. A single square of chocolate will activate a goat and the first thing the awakened goat of a junk food addict will do is manipulate their person into purchasing more chocolate. The experience of all binge eaters is that there is no such thing as 'just one bite'. Or so a goat will have you think. Fortunately, there is a way to satisfy a goat's obsessive desire to force feed you without further energising it. To do it, you need to start thinking about the food you eat as being red, yellow or green. Goats love red foods, they don't mind yellow foods, and their pretty ambivalent toward green foods.
Yellow foods are the key to reasserting control. They feel like a treat to the Goat, but they also don't fuel goats in the same way that red foods do. Once you figure out what your yellow foods are, you will be able to satisfy a goats urge to overeat without providing it with more fuel. They'll eat their fill then go take a nap allowing you to regain control and get on with things.
Enjoy your red foods as a treat, follow them with yellow foods, go back to green foods. Carry on.
10. Treat yourself at the finish line.
You might imagine that if you follow these steps you will turn into one of those people that only craves salad, finds cake too sweet, and routinely leaves the last spoonful on their plate because 'they couldn't eat another bite'. You may think you want to be one of those people, but you really don't. Nobody likes those people. Wouldn't it be better to mostly feel like eating healthy food, but on special occasions, at social events or, when someone brings brownies into work, be able to say, 'hell yeah, I'll have one,' and then feel like you can get on with your day?
You can be one of those people but, as a food junkie, you are always going to have a goat in your head that thinks the most wonderful thing in the world is opening a packet of something with obscene amounts of sugar or salt and eating the whole thing. It's okay if that always give you a thrill. Getting to the end of the line is not about erasing that part of you, it is being able to enjoy those occasional moments without feeling at risk of losing control and eating the entire contents of your pantry in a single sitting. Junk food will always taste unbelievably good, but you won't feel like eating it most of the time. Those moments when you do indulge will also be far more enjoyable because they won't be accompanied by fear, guilt and anxiety. They will be moments of pure joy.
Published 10th April 2025DISCLAIMER: The above are just some general principles that Jacob has figured out as he went along. He thought it would be a good idea to set out some sort of neat, organised list. People like that sort of thing. To be honest though, he doesn't expect anyone to find it particularly helpful. It may look helpful, but what Jacob found most instructive in his journey was all the blundering, stupid ideas, and regrettable feeding frenzies in between these revelations. His catalogue of cock-ups is too prodigious to include here, but he can assure you that the blog is chock full of them. If you don't have time to read anything except this page, the most important thing to know is that progress will never be as linear or fast as it seems here. Slow is fine. Good, in fact. You're better off taking a winding mountain road than a cable car when you're travelling with a goat. You may prefer the relaxed, scenic route to the top, but the only way to properly get to know your goat is if you amble along beside it. Sometimes it won't feel like you're making much progress, but you will be. Whenever your goat stops to eat roadside foliage (i.e. blocks of chocolate), catch your breath and take a look down the mountain. You'll be bewildered by how high you've climbed without noticing. (Just make sure you keep your goat on a leash when you're focused on the view. Nothing is more annoying than trying to coax an obnoxious goat off a rocky ledge.)
